Really not sure why I waited so long. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. He wants her to watch history and science shows with him, and go hiking, camping and backpacking. Make it clear that it's not just his children that feel this way but you as well, and that something must change. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. It also says the father is critical about her lack of competitiveness, initiative, and how she is uninformed. Oh, and he thinks TV can actually teach somebody something more relevant than the fact that its both rather silly and stupid to be a Vampire Slayer Not too mention angst-filled. If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. They clearly saw that parent as the good guy, and are unconsciously playing out the same part, unable to stop giving even when it cannot be reciprocated. So as a clearly NOT fan girl, its pretty good! If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. Its not cool that Dad is rolling his eyes at his daughters interests and hobbies. And something about him wanting the daughter to be more competitive just struck me the wrong way. If you find that the conflict is escalating or if there is name-calling or other disrespectful behavior, its time to intervene. I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. lets_be_honest I think she should have given more advice for the LW about dealing with the husband and his responses to the daughter. But, for example, my mom used to watch I Love Lucy and Alfred Hitchcock Presents late at night, and during the summers, Id stay up late, and I gradually developed a taste for both of them. The whole time I was reading the letter, I was thinking, Shit if he acts like this toward his daughter, how does he treat his wife? July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. But am I mad at her now? He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? And yeh I hated going to home depot with my dad but I know a lot more about home maintenance than some people. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. But I loved my dad and my mom encouraged me and sometimes when I was being a brat prodded me -into hanging out with my dad. But since we dont know which type of person the girls father is (bullying and hurtful, or rude/stubborn yet ultimately well-meaning) I think its helpful that people who had experience in this issue can comment. Did I love that stuff? And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her.. And not just to me and your husband. NIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE RESPONSE, WENDY! honeybeenicki Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. I actually agree with this wholeheartedly, and Im happy for you, your partner, and your little girl! Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. 20 years later, Im crazy close with both of my parents. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? She wasnt responding to the father though. sign, Get the day's headlines delivered directly to your inbox, You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush. It could be something as silly as him walking into the kitchen when theyre talking and him jokingly saying something like Theres my two girls talking about Buffy again! and rolling his eyes. He also occasionally went to movies with us. And my dad is a veritable warehouse of rocknroll trivia when a new song came on, hed often share a fact he knew about the band (Did you know Rush is a three-person band, and that the bassist is the lead singer?), or tell us about a concert he went to in his youth (hes been on stage with Ozzy, yall, close enough to see the O-Z-Z-Y tattooed across his knuckles), or quiz me and my brother to see if we knew who the band was or what the song was. You need to be aware that it is possible he may resist your attempts to change things and he may even get angry, so you will need to stand firm. My father (and mother, if I want to be totally honest) would criticize anything that my sister and I had an interest in, regardless of how much value it did or did not have. (My parents zydeco phase was an odd one.) She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. But I do think, however hes approaching it, the dad needs to come from a starting place thats going to pique the daughhers interests. Maybe they both like pizza or Indian food or something; then Dad can take her out to dinner or cook with her. The Substitute Wife: My Poor Husband is a Billionaire novel Chapter 89 Take Them All Away . LW, your daughter sounds awesome. painted_lady Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? My fave was Joey for the record. As a kid, I was really into the idea of going to museums and seeing plays, but my parents refused to indulge me on it because they wanted me to like the outdoors, hunting, etc. And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. My feeling is that its closer to the first scenario, and the LW is making it seem worse than in is. 6napkinburger What To Do When Your Partner and Daughter Dont Get Along? Yes. But it sounds like dad needs to remove the ginormous stick from his ass and let his daughter fangirl. Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). We were forced to have shockingly good table manners and we shook hands with adults from the age of three. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. This can look like moving to a far away place, convincing you your. No one ever said that being a parent would be easy, and when your husband and daughter dont get along, it can be especially difficult. Asking. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. My personal relationship with my dad was almost non-existent when I was a tween/early teen, except for those forced family moments. I know you said you dont want to hear about counseling and your problem isnt communication, but really? I understand how you might be torn how easy it might be to embrace every second you have with her when you know all too soon, shell outgrow her fangirl stage, or at the very least, embrace additional teen-related obsessions, thereby reducing the time she cares to spend with you, and then soon after shell be leaving you and heading off for adventures of her own, away from you and her dad. Extend invitations on appropriate occasions. Its a really nice time to shoot the shit and get your head clear fishing can be very enjoyable, plus you have a free meal at the end of it! That means the communication isnt effective and it may be that your husband has to hear this from someone outside the situation. We are this little team of 2. Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. Um, not so much. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm, Finding out the music my parents listened to opened up my eyes to who they used to be. At this age I wouldnt try to force her to do activities she doesnt like because it just results in lots of anger and bad attitude and whining. So sad. They actually like this stuff! So it was this wonderful little springboard into history for them. Contact Us. Manage Settings One activity we all enjoyed!!!! I simply didnt get it.) So, yes, encourage your daughter to take an interest what your husband likes. Ross says it definitely would have beenif not for his tendency towards horrific sea-sickness. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. Whether it be balance sports with history, Buffy with science, it doesnt matter. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. Ooh, that was common ground for my dad and sisters and I. Mini golf. Now Im crying at my desk, for some reason. She may come to appreciate some of her dads interests in time, but I hardly think forcing them down her throat is a good way to do that. temperance And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. I strongly agree with this. Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. Husband treats 15 year old step son badly. I think your daughter will be too, if you listen to Wendy. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. He was my softball coach for most of the 10 years I played, I LOVE sports, we have gone together to countless games over the years, just him and I, I go to him with any car/computer/cooking/etc question I have, I can talk to him about anything, I have always been his little girl (Not to say Im not close with my mom, I am) and that father/daughter relationship I had with my dad growing up, I wouldnt change it for the world. MAY THEY DIE IN LOTS OF FIRES. His GP should be able to refer him to an appropriate local counsellor or he could contact the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (bacp.co.uk). Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. My father only wanted sons, so he decided that his daughters were going to get into sports, hunting, home repair television shows and walks in the woods. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. **Disclaimer, I am a HUGE fan of the Original Star Wars films and even buy toys from those films when I am depressed which means I have an ALARMINGLY large collection. lets_be_honest I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. Team sports, outdoorsy, tomboyish stuff. Also, at what point does the LW start to teach her daughter that she should stand up for herself and her interests hate to think about the precedent being set that we must always cowtow to the man of the house. Trust that Mark would have PLENTY to say if someone wrote in replacing Buffy with sports. Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. Without respect there will be no relationship. Also, I want to tell an awesome story about my dad. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. How to Make a Girl Chase You Over Text After Sex, mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter, reason is that hes trying to save his daughter, My Boyfriend And His Daughter Act Like A Couple (10 Solutions), Boost Your Friends Mood with These Short Positive Affirmations, Why Some People Are Jealous of Your Success, 110 Millionaire Affirmations to Attract Wealth, 10 Ways To Get a Busy Man to Make Time for Love, 51 Emotional Wellness Goals to Transform Your Life. Not knowing who the Beatles were, I thought it was something ABOUT beetles, and asked them Is it interesting? . If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. Then stress that it's not too late to re-engage with his with family, the solution lies with him. You also need to encourage your husband to be respectful of his daughters interests. Tom Pettys Southern Anthem was the first CD I ever owned. His father worked out of town 5 days a week and was hunting on the weekends during hunting season, so my husband would see him maybe one day a week. July 2, 2013, 12:33 pm. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? I thought Wendys first sentence was actually pretty snotty which surprised the heck out of me. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). a single mom to her as her dad was never in the picture. Its not easy being caught in the middle, but its important to remember that you cant please everyone all the time. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. If youre struggling to get along with your teen or adult daughter, dont hesitate to seek professional help. I notice myself not racing to pick up my daughter from. Isolation One of the most common tricks of a mentally abusive partner is to isolate their victims from the rest of the world. There are also a bunch of shows on the history channel or the science channel about science-fiction kind of stuff. Things like going for ice cream. Even if you didn't start out as a control freak, you might have realized that you morphed into one. It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? In all honestly though, I call up my dad now to hear about all of the new great bands out there! My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. He took me for drives, walks, to plays and out to restaurants. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. AITA for not driving my wife to our son's wedding since I'm not invited? If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. Ha! (directed at the view in general, not you Fabelle) Am I not a read mid-twentysomething because I like them? I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. . Encourage her to have fun with him. July 2, 2013, 10:50 am. All of this has tended to push her (and me, to some extent) away from him. I do understand how easily this Mom couldve gotten caught up in her ways of teaming up with the kid. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. Hed take me to Barnes and Noble and buy me a new Star Wars fan magazine every time. Theres got to be at least one thing that the two of them have in common. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. I had the same experience at college! If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. I love this woman, but theres no pleasing her. He is dedicated and hard-working. bittergaymark My point is, you have cultivated these interests in your daughter. a truly horrible driver. Im also a 31-year-old fangirl so this might not just be a phase that shell grow out of, haha. I didnt read an us vs. him vibe at all. FUCK BOARD GAMES. And also, him treating her with respect and letting her know he values her, well that will also help shape her future relationships where she will know she deserves to be respected, valued and loved. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. I hope the LW sees your comment. She grabs every opportunity to be near him but won't actually tell him how she feels. Express appreciation in your husbands interests so that your daughter may learn to appreciate them or at least be curious about them too. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. You dont have to be your daughters fellow geek and her best friend to have a good relationship. So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. PostedOctober 22, 2014 Hes not interested in that because that would require work and compromise on his part. And of course. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. haha. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix.